Wow, it feels great to be back!!! Last time I made a “real” entry, I was very very pregnant and very very tired, newly married and taking care of 4 kids and a new house. Now, I’m new mommy’ing again and everything seems to be at a point where I have time to write a bit more. I’m definately going through a difficult time, one that I don’t expect any of you to pity me for, but just know, I’m now writing this again to help relieve more nightmares. It seems that when I write this, I get better. Maybe this will help? I don’t know, but thank you all who have stuck by me and sent me so much love and support. I really appreciate it.
Here we go again…
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The Final Solo - # 57
Lake Powell is incredible. The blue green water that kisses the red sandy beaches. Towering red cliffs that reach far above the water seem to caress the bluest skies you’ve ever seen. Up in the red walls there are little caves, caves that used to be inhabited by the Anasazi Indians, a tribe that disappeared thousands of years ago, but in their departure, they left many treasures. One of these was a little overhang they put me in for the final solo of my trip.
I set my rolled up pancho pack and water bottle on the red sandy ground and stretched out in the early dawn. The sky was pink and the sun had not come over the horizon just yet. Stars were still peering down at me heavily in the crisp air, and I almost forgot once again where I was.
I sat down on the edge of my overhang, dangling my legs a bit over the steep hill that fell away from me, feeling the coolness of the sand through my shorts. The water seemed only a second away from me, but as I gazed down the hill, I realized how high up I was. There was probably a good mile to the beach, and it would have killed someone to get there from here. I got out my journal and pencil and started:
Solo again. Hopefully this is the end. Supposedly, there are only 20 days and a wakeup til we go home, but you never know out here. I’m in a really cool spot, there are lots of places I can climb to. I don’t know if my parents even know I’m alive still, their letters have only gotten to me twice. I wonder if they’ll pick me up or send me back again. I’ll write more later.
I stood from where I was and walked up back the way we’d come to see exactly who was near me, if anybody. I didn’t see anyone, but I did see a little road. First thing I thought was “oh man, I’m going to get out of here” but the newly broken me knew it would be impossible. I was only 3 weeks away from a soft bed, showers, telephone….food. I wouldn’t be going anywhere near that road. I knew then what it felt like to be a puppy who’s been trained not to go into the living room.
The sun started to peek up to the East over the red fiery rocks that went out towards the Utah/Colorado border and I could feel its warmth. The second the rays hit the sagebrush around me, the buzzing of cicadas filled my head. I usually hated that noise growing up, those big shiny bugs flying around used to spook me but now, their drone just helped me to block out the tiny voices in my head. The ones that were telling me to go back to that damn road and run for it.
Little did I know, I was only about 15 miles from a little town. A tiny town with a marina, a hotel and food. FOOD! Running water! Showers!
I went and set up my area for the week. I put my tarp down on the ground under the overhang, I set my journal and pencil on a little shelf and my water bottle sat in the back, where the sun wouldn’t go, leaving a really amazingly cool area for me to chill the little bit of water I had left. I got out of my spot and stepped back to admire it. It was like building a fort out of your mom’s kitchen chairs and blankets when you were a kid. I had the biggest smile on my face when he came around the corner.
“Hello there, Allison. What are you so happy about? Did you hear me coming?”
Cicadas. That’s all I remember of the next few hours. The sound of cicadas.
2phat Says:
October 19th, 2006 at 6:46 pmVisit 2phat
woo hoo!!!! so glad you are starting to post again!!!!
Christina Says:
October 20th, 2006 at 12:20 amVisit Christina
You’re such a beautiful writer. It’s always a joy to read the latest bits of your story and I hope that it’s helping you to write it out. I’ve been reading for ages now! So happy about your baby
Mike Lyne Says:
October 20th, 2006 at 1:22 amVisit Mike Lyne
Glad you’re still kicking, Alli.
Mike Lyne Says:
October 20th, 2006 at 1:30 amVisit Mike Lyne
P.S. Any chance you got your log-in issue cleared up with on the forum? We’ve been missing you in there…
Oh yeah, I emailed you a couple of days ago (at your personal one… I don’t even know if you still check it. :)).
Anyways, I’m really happy to see you writing again. Hopefully times aren’t too hard for you lately. Keep in touch Alli.
~ Mike
Sarah Says:
October 20th, 2006 at 9:41 amVisit Sarah
SO glad you are back writing this…I think it is really important for you to finish it, for yourself (of course, selfishly I want to hear the rest of it, but I do believe this).
It was so cool to discover you (well, you found me) on Flickr!
jenib Says:
October 20th, 2006 at 9:57 amVisit jenib
Hi there. Glad to “see” you writing again. I, too, hope it helps you heal. I have been through some horrific things in my younger years and although I am a strong person, the memories still have the power to bring me to my knees and put me into a hole I have to work to crawl out of. I always wonder if those feelings will ever really go away or is it something I will always have to deal with? It doesn’t happen as much as it used to but it’s still powerful stuff. It’s a reason why I am so protective of my child and work hard to make sure she is mentally strong just in case anything ever gets past my radar…I pray it never does.
Kim Says:
October 20th, 2006 at 11:18 amVisit Kim
Yeah I’m glad you are writing again. Can’t wait to hear more. So close to the end. I hope you can and will work out what you are going threw.
DM Says:
October 20th, 2006 at 11:56 amVisit DM
I’m really glad you were able to post this. I appreciate what it must take for you to be able to write this, exposing your emotions and feelings to the world. I hope that this will help you to stop having the nightmares.
Congratulations on the new baby.
phoenix Says:
October 21st, 2006 at 7:04 amVisit phoenix
Nice to see you back Alli, we all missed you. I was and have been more worried about you than reading this… but I will admit a bit of anxious post waiting
I am saddened to hear the nightmares are back… maybe a touch of post delivery depression? I hope this helps you work through it and you come out on the other end healthier of mind and spirit.
Sending hugs to you, the family and the new arrival.
RuKsaK Says:
October 21st, 2006 at 9:42 pmVisit RuKsaK
it is great to see you back. get this thing finished now - for you.
Callie Says:
October 23rd, 2006 at 7:16 amVisit Callie
Welcome back!! I am so glad to hear about the new addition. Also, that you are back to writing! I know it seems cathartic to me when I write out what happened. (I went through very different but very ugly abuse throughout my childhood) And I know that when the nightmares attack it’s time for me to talk or write or SOMETHING to get it out of me. It’s as if the information itself were so toxic I either have to get out or prepare to be having nightmares to disturb already restless sleep each night. I pray this helps solve that issue for your sake, and I can’t wait to read it—I’ve been hooked for months no.
Take care to you, your family and of course the new additions!
Best,
Callie
Shannon Says:
October 25th, 2006 at 2:25 pmVisit Shannon
Classic on-the-edge-of-my-seat post. Happy to see you writing again too.
It’s such a mixed bag for me to say I’m happy you’re writing because on one hand your stories are so intriguing, but on the other hand it’s shitty that you went through all of this.
But it happened and it’s good to get it written down and out to the public to inform them.
Rengirl Says:
October 25th, 2006 at 4:41 pmVisit Rengirl
I have a bug list at work that’s a mile long because I spent the last half of yesterday and the first half of my shift today reading this. And now I am in the present.
You are phenomenal and strong and I am still reeling from your experience.
Thank you for sharing this.
Alli Says:
October 25th, 2006 at 5:42 pmVisit Alli
2phat - I know, and it feels so good!
Christina - Thank you so much, you’re a sweetheart to say so!
Mike - As ALWAYS, you’re the best, honey. I can’t get into the forums, my password’s not working, and I requested a new one and have yet to hear back. Makes me nuts! Do you still have my work email? Try that!
Sarah - You’re a sweet pea. Honestly.
Jenib - You know, I don’t know. It might always be hard. I hate saying that but from experience, it does get easier sometimes, but there are always times the wounds feel fresh.
Kim - Thank you! Its good to be almost done.
DM - Thanks! =)
Phoenix - Aw, thanks. He’s such a good baby!
Ruksak - Oh how I love thee. You and a few others (mike lyne) have been here since the beginning. You’re the best.
Callie - Get it out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s all I can say
Shannon - haha, don’t feel bad. I’m ok. Keep reading.
Rengirl (D) - Aw babe. Your support via email etc is fantastic. I loves ya.
Mike Lyne Says:
October 26th, 2006 at 4:30 amVisit Mike Lyne
I’ve never had your work email address, Alli… you’ve only ever PM’d me from there, which doesn’t show your email address as far as I know. :p
If you want to send me an email, I can send you a gmail invite. I’d just need to know what address to send it to. That way you could create a new temporary account with that on the forum… at least then you’d be able to log in until your new password shows up. Just a thought.
Oh, and are you still able to receive emails through the 63days.com address, or is that messed up too? Yeah, I’m full of nosey questions today…
Shylah Says:
October 26th, 2006 at 8:17 amVisit Shylah
Hey Alli.. I’m a little behind, but it’s good to see you writing again. Congratulations on your new addition, and I think your return may have inspired me to pick up and write about my wilderness experiences again.
Alli Says:
October 26th, 2006 at 9:39 amVisit Alli
Mike, I’ll email you
Shylah!!!!!!! I’m so glad to see you again!!!!! I’m over on your blog right now catching up. I’ve missed ya!
Libby Says:
October 27th, 2006 at 12:42 pmVisit Libby
Alli, thanks so much for writing again. So sorry about the nightmares. My heart aches for you and what you went through. I want to throw rocks at him too.
On a happier note, many congratulations on your baby!
Liz Says:
October 29th, 2006 at 11:40 pmVisit Liz
Ally,
Congrats on the new edition! I love your writing style and am glad to see you writing again. i hope this releases your emotion and whatever tention you might be dealing with, especially I hope it relieves the nightmares.
Hope to hear from you soon,
LIz
Gambitgirl Says:
November 10th, 2006 at 6:56 pmVisit Gambitgirl
i’m very happy you’re back. the last time i read this site you had stopped posting b/c of potential lawsuits and your now ex-husband was being a royal jerk to you. i’m glad you’re doing well and happy again and dumped that turd!
Kim Adams Says:
November 24th, 2006 at 7:31 pmVisit Kim Adams
Alli I am so glad you are back to writing. You are so good at it. And your story continues to move me. I am sorry to hear you are having nightmares again. Hopefully this will help you.
I saw the latest pictures of your Lil Bambino and he is just way too cute! Love him so much. He looks so much like his daddy.