“We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with
nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke,
and a presumption that once our eyes watered.” - Tom Stoppard
Today, yesterday….what a mess. I’m recovering, I hope everyone else involved in this situation here remembers that life is for living, the flowers are there for smelling, rain for walking in, snow for catching in our mouths. Choices are made in tiny moments that can change hours of people’s lives, erase years of history. Falling off of a cliff, sometimes you turn around to see who pushed you before you realize that you jumped on your own. Nobody feels hate like the hated, and likewise, those who love are loved in return. Time heals, pain feels, hearts are mended and friendships rebuilt.
The only thing I feel right now for all of us is love…everconstant….you know who you are.
Robin Says:
May 13th, 2005 at 2:04 pmVisit Robin
I spent too much time yesterday reading the results of my searches on Steve C. I was absolutely sickened, and very upset to hear he is still running these camps… still living in an undisclosed location in our country.
You are doing the right thing by telling your story… no matter how hard it is. You are saving lives by warning other parents.
I commend you, applaud you, and keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Willful Exposé Says:
May 13th, 2005 at 2:11 pmVisit Willful Exposé
I’m glad you’re healing.
I’d be interested to know what if anything you’ve learned through writing your story here, as a blog.
jes Says:
May 13th, 2005 at 2:13 pmVisit jes
since i first started reading the site (which was Tuesday or Wednesday), I too have spent entirely too much time researching Steve C and all the different wilderness camps designed to “reform” teens. I have spent too much time reading the outcomes of cases, and the stories others have written about the experiences of their child.
but i don’t regret a bit of it, because it has opened my eyes to something i never even knew existed.
alli, thank you so much for telling your story, for letting us walk through this with you as much as we can. in the past two days i have probably checked your site more than a hundred times, hoping for an update.
you’ve got me hooked. i can’t wait to learn more about you!
Allison Says:
May 13th, 2005 at 2:49 pmVisit Allison
I found your site through Jes (above) and she took the words out of my mouth. 100% ditto to literally EVERYTHING she just wrote in her comment!
TDC923 Says:
May 13th, 2005 at 3:15 pmVisit TDC923
Alli,
We have all been discussing your site at the MTV message board. And one thing we were all wondering…did Stephanie die?
And, if you don’t mind me asking, what is your age now?
jes Says:
May 13th, 2005 at 3:42 pmVisit jes
i have tried finding the discussion on the MTV message board, unsuccessfully. what is the header of it?
Alli Says:
May 13th, 2005 at 4:04 pmVisit Alli
I am 32 now. I have no idea what happened to Stephanie…honestly.
jes Says:
May 13th, 2005 at 4:38 pmVisit jes
Do you still keep in contact with anyone you met from your time spent in Challenger?
Alli Says:
May 13th, 2005 at 5:04 pmVisit Alli
Mmmhmm, I talk about it over on the forums a lot. Are you a member? Come join
Lizz Says:
May 13th, 2005 at 7:45 pmVisit Lizz
i hate to repeat what others have said, but i have to join in the praise surrounding the telling of this particular story. i, having been a wayward teen to say the least, had a daughter as a teen. having seen clips of “boot camps” on talk shows, and having been somewhat “reformed” (scared shitless) at juvie, i always said with conviction that if my daughter got to a point where she was out of control, i would “send her ass to boot camp”. i suppose in that hypothetical statement i blinded myself to the reality that children are not completely safe from atrocity in the U.S., and that when it comes to your children, their safety should not be entrusted to strangers, no matter how much effort it takes to assume responsibility for them. i will not resort giving up on my child, regardless of what she may do–anything she may choose for herself won’t be as bad as her mother subjecting her to victimization. you are very brave, Alli, and if there’s any way that i can help you bring this story out into the open (short of finance), let me know.
Alli Says:
May 13th, 2005 at 7:52 pmVisit Alli
just tell everyone you know to read the story. I want to reach as many people as I can.
Ileana Says:
May 13th, 2005 at 8:09 pmVisit Ileana
enjoy the award! you will get it. great site, awesome story.
BUPhantom Says:
May 13th, 2005 at 8:55 pmVisit BUPhantom
Jes-We’ve been talking about this on the Real World message board on MTV, not sure if that’s where you looked. Just page through til you find it, there’s more than one thread about this blog, I think they all have 63 days as the subject.
Alli-I heard about your blog through the MTV board, read the whole thing and have emailed everyone in my address book to check this site out. You’re story is captivating and I admire your strength and courage. Thanks for sharing this with us.
Alli Says:
May 13th, 2005 at 9:02 pmVisit Alli
how the heck do I get to these MTV message board?
Alli Says:
May 13th, 2005 at 9:16 pmVisit Alli
never mind, I found it. Psst, I see you talking about me you little stinks on the MTV boards. I’m HURRYING! Geesh!
I’ve just had another sad week because of a sad experience, but…I’m posting tonight. I promise.
jackiefg Says:
May 14th, 2005 at 1:32 amVisit jackiefg
Wow, I don’t know when I’ve ever seen so many cliches in one spot:
I’m not saying this is hokey but I just can’t believe in the sincerity here. I find the bad English and spelling unbelievable, and I think my post will only lead to a tirade on me.
I just don’t believe this - but after all, you are trying for a $1000 prize - let’s say it’s not really for that.
Kaarina Says:
May 14th, 2005 at 1:47 amVisit Kaarina
Hey Alli,
I stumbled along your site today searching Livejournal blogs. I’m from Vancouver, Canada, so I wanted to let you know, that your message is getting all over the world. I am going to forward your site address to a few friends I know. I read all the entries today…you have really touched me. I have been sexually assaulted by two different people in my life, and you have given me strength. Thank you.
Kaarina
kaarinakeeks@hotmail.com
Alli Says:
May 14th, 2005 at 1:58 amVisit Alli
guess what Jackiefg. I had a personal loss in the last 3 days. The ‘cliches’ are part of an very personal and inside situation. I never asked you to critique my personal letter to one of my best friends. All of the words are put together for them/him. See how it says “One thought for my sweet boys”? Yep, thats who I’m talking to. Not you. This is my blog, not yours.
Bad spelling? Where?
Also, show me the poor english. I didn’t realize my personal letters to my friends on MY personal blog were supposed to be critiqued by somebody. I’m not going for $1000, pal. This blog has been around for 3 months, and the contest started last week. Get your facts straight, mmkay? I didnt even nominate myself. I didn’t even know I was in the contest until other people told me the other day.
You’re a very sad person. Everconstant isn’t a misspelling, its a nickname. I’m speaking to someone who knows exactly what those “cliches” mean. You should probably just leave.
the queen Says:
May 14th, 2005 at 2:09 amVisit the queen
WOW!
Kate Says:
May 14th, 2005 at 7:21 amVisit Kate
We have a blog here that is poignantly dealing with child abuse and neglect and someone’s posting about grammar and spelling? Looks like someone isn’t seeing the bigger pcture here. Keep up the good work Allie.
anna Says:
May 14th, 2005 at 9:38 amVisit anna
wat a dick!! how can he be only seeing the spelling and not what you have been throught for fuck sake its only spelling!
Dave Branch Says:
May 14th, 2005 at 10:48 amVisit Dave Branch
jackiefg …No comment
Alli, pass along his/her stats and well let their mother know what a shame he/she is.
Surf Neckid
Suzi Says:
May 14th, 2005 at 11:07 amVisit Suzi
Hugs to you Alli. You’ve already experienced more heartache than any person should have in their lifetime, and it makes me want to stamp my foot and shout NO FAIR! I’m sorry you’re experiencing more loss, and more pain. I wish you peace and contentment, happiness and light.
Alli Says:
May 14th, 2005 at 11:15 amVisit Alli
Thanks you guys, apparently this Jackiefg person doesn’t understand my blog. If this person knew why I’d written that, they’d feel like utter crap. Once again I say….. where are the spelling errors? Jackiefg, send me a very personal letter to one of your friends, and I’ll critique it for ya…mkay?
Also, Jackiefg, when you criticize someone’s English, its called “poor english” not “bad english”…look into it. So you don’t “believe” it? Believe what. You don’t even know who I am talking to let alone what I’m trying to say.
One more thing Jackiefg…. if you knew my story you’d know that this story is written from my journals from when I was 13-15.
Dave, I’m sending the stats immediately.
Dave Branch Says:
May 14th, 2005 at 11:40 amVisit Dave Branch
Check your email baby…
Alli Says:
May 14th, 2005 at 12:03 pmVisit Alli
Got it, Dave. Once again, I love you. Mr. Jackson Dunlop seems to be quite judgemental no?
ariadneK Says:
May 14th, 2005 at 12:35 pmVisit ariadneK
This post really touched my own heart: I lost someone incredibly dear to me last month and am still trying to come to grips with it. The eloquence with which you write is amazing.
(P.S. — I’m still trying to find all of those “spelling errors” too…heh. What a crazy asshole!!!)
Take care, be well, and I wish you the best!
ariK
Mike Lyne Says:
May 14th, 2005 at 2:22 pmVisit Mike Lyne
Damn. Just when I thought Id seen the peak of ignorance… what an ass Mr. Dunlop is. People like that make the world a sad place to live in.
Keep up the excellent work, Alli. Don’t let schmucks like that get you down. This guy has no idea just how special you are. Peace and hugs to you.
-Mike
TDC923 Says:
May 14th, 2005 at 3:12 pmVisit TDC923
Hey Alli…thanks for replying to my ? about your age now.
And as for the MTV board that I personally post on, it is the Inferno II board. I started a thread telling the other posters about your site and we have all been discussing it. They were just as horrified and moved by your story as I was.
Keep up the great work girl and good luck.
God bless you and don’t pay attention to anyone on here or anywhere else for that matter that says sh*t to try and criticize you. No one knows what you have been through, except you and other children/adults that have sufffered this kind of treatment.
As for spelling errors, (HA!) that is a joke. Someone actually read your story and then said something about spelling?!? LOL
Mike Says:
May 14th, 2005 at 5:27 pmVisit Mike
Absolutely stellar work girl!!
Gem Iceheart Says:
May 14th, 2005 at 5:37 pmVisit Gem Iceheart
Actually, Alli, you do consistently misspell ridiculous. ^_^;;
But I’m completely in support of your healing, and your speech. There’s a lot of horrific stuff today that just…doesn’t get talked about. -.-
RuKsaK Says:
May 14th, 2005 at 5:51 pmVisit RuKsaK
I adore that quotation and you’re sense of it - I also adore visiting you’re blogs - you are, well, adorable.
Kath Says:
May 14th, 2005 at 6:09 pmVisit Kath
Hi Alli!
Found you on George’s blog and linked to you on my blog today. Your courage is incredible…I am so in awe of you. From what I gather the last week has been tough and for that I’m sorry and send you best wishes and prayers. Also posted parts of your letter to your two boys on my blog (and attributed to you as well :->).
Thanks for sharing your life with us, Alli.
Alli Says:
May 14th, 2005 at 6:47 pmVisit Alli
thank you for your support, all of you. Everyone who’s been here from the start knows that I get trolls here and that I have kept my mouth shut everytime, until that person attacks me so personally that I cannot keep my mouth shut. Thank you all for your understanding and kind emails.
Alli Says:
May 14th, 2005 at 6:50 pmVisit Alli
about the “ridiculous” misspelling. I apologize for the misspellings of a 15 year old girls journals. Forgive me.
Jazzy Be Says:
May 14th, 2005 at 8:05 pmVisit Jazzy Be
Stop explaining yourself to that clown, Alli.
Just keep doing your thing. You don’t owe any of us anything. This is YOUR blog.
eyeskater Says:
May 14th, 2005 at 10:03 pmVisit eyeskater
Hey jackiefg,
MORON!!!!! JACKASS, PUGNACIOUS BASTARD, INSIPID LITTLE TWIT….all adjectives befitting to you.
DID I SPELL EVERYTHING RIGHT?…BOMBASTIC CRETIN!
Alli,
I’m sorry my first post is an attack on another.I think you handled it much more diplomatically than I would have. As you can see, I just hurl names back at the offending party. I believe you and your story.
-Peace
eyeskater
ariadneK Says:
May 15th, 2005 at 12:13 amVisit ariadneK
Hey eyeskater, that all sounded pretty good to me.
Diplomacy towards complete assholes is something I lack as well.
Alli, I have re-read your words in this particular post SO many times now because they give me such comfort in the context of my dear one’s death. With what you have already been through in life, you certainly don’t need more tragedy at this point.
(((hugs))),
K.
Diane aka 2OLD2BE Says:
May 15th, 2005 at 12:28 amVisit Diane aka 2OLD2BE
Jazzy and Eyes~ I couldn’t agree with you more. I can’t believe that someone would come here and make rude comments. If you don’t like it by all means leave. It’s that simple.
Mtv posters go to the forums. I’m starting a thread to see how many of us have made it here.
Buster Says:
May 15th, 2005 at 1:12 amVisit Buster
I keep telling you to go get that pedicure. But do you listen? Stop getting depressed about your toes, and do something about it….Hell…even Kevin Federline gets his toes done, and you look much better in a doo-rag with your underwear peeking out of your jeans.
Oh well…I’m off…no rest for the wicked.
Alli Says:
May 15th, 2005 at 4:21 amVisit Alli
Buster baby, when we had coffee last week we didn’t even have time for a pedicure. Although, the doo rag you were wearing matched the leather seats in your Mercedes, and that made me laugh…you’re too cute. Lets do it again. BTW, when are you coming to Vegas house hunting, I’m in need of a certain apple concoction.
kris Says:
May 15th, 2005 at 10:58 amVisit kris
Ali,
If you have some time, I’d like to hear what suggestions you can offer to any parents who might be reading your blog, and considering sending their own children to a boot camp because of (what they consider) behavioral problems.
I mean, obviously, I imagine you’d tell them not to send their children to such a horrible place… but, what WOULD you suggest to help their kids and get them through in one peice?
It might be helpful for others to hear what you would suggest having been in this situation yourself.
Jazzy Be Says:
May 15th, 2005 at 12:12 pmVisit Jazzy Be
It won’t let me post in the forum. =(
Alli Says:
May 15th, 2005 at 2:40 pmVisit Alli
huh? Its fine over there for me. Weird. email me and we’ll fix it.
Also, I’ll post some ideas for parents of troubled youth later. i’ve been looking a lot into it lately.
twinkie Says:
May 15th, 2005 at 2:47 pmVisit twinkie
Alli…I too am from the MTV message boards. I want to first say I’m sorry about everything that has happened to you. But I also want to ask you not to go to the MTV board. A lot of people there can be very negative and I don’t want them to say things to you that are hurtful. Of course, you can do what you want but this is just a little warning.
Sorry Bup and Queenie..you know I love ya!
Jazzy Be Says:
May 15th, 2005 at 3:31 pmVisit Jazzy Be
twinkie = yoming2
(j/k yoming)
I thought that also when I read that she had visited the boards. Some posters can be brutal, especially when they have personal information to use against you. But you do have A LOT of admirers over there as well.
I sent an e-mail to your gmail, Alli.
ariadneK Says:
May 15th, 2005 at 7:10 pmVisit ariadneK
kris:
Sorry, I know this should be for comments for Alli in this section, but I want to provide my own (personal, not endorsed by ANYONE here, but just my own 2 cents) suggestion. For whatever it’s worth: see a psychologist and/or psychiatrist (I recommend the latter more, but considering that I am a health sciences professional…immunology research to be precise…and also seeing a psychiatrist, I admit bias) with your child, or (more effective I think, but you would have to be comfortable with it too) for private sessions with your child. Quite often, what parents might construe as out-of-hand behaviour (or even using alcohol or other substances: often used to “self-medicate” for severe depression or bipolar disorder) has a biological basis. Therefore, this make the whole “boot camp” scenario even more heart-breaking, as HOW would physical torture equate with addressing a neurochemical imbalance? The notion horrifies me…
Alli: thanks so much for the email response to my own I’m still at work but am so looking forward to responding (though I have to admit I get long-winded in emails). I have also used your blog description as a quote in a post on my own, if this is okay:
http://weirdcake.blogspot.com/2005/05/63-days-horrifying-true-story.html
Take care all,
ariK
yodamimi Says:
May 16th, 2005 at 5:22 pmVisit yodamimi
I’ m sorry to write on this page, as it is for commentary use only, but I realy felt like saying something. I too have been sent to boodcamp, not in the states but in Europe (yes, we do have boodcamps there…lol) and have been treaded in simmilar ways. As for now, we are a group of 5 people. all whom have been admitted at sometime in the same “camp”, and we have since then pressed charges against the camp’s executive and founders. Things are looking very hopefull for us. My question is whether or not you have pressed charges against the campe or Mr Steve C and if you have been succesfull in that. People, let us not forget that we as a society have promessed never to forget the german camps, why should we then forget the camps where our youth is being destroyed?
Ali, you are very coureagous and brave! I read your story’s everyday (some I have red several times) and it moves me in the deepest way. Good luck to you and I wish you all the best.
(forgive my spelling, I am french and english is still hard for me)
Ash Says:
May 17th, 2005 at 4:57 pmVisit Ash
I just wanted to tell you that my heart goes out to you. You are one hell of a women. Stay strong and keep your head up. This blog is a great idea, I forwarded it to everyone I know. You’re in my thoughts.
~ Ash
Alli Says:
May 17th, 2005 at 7:18 pmVisit Alli
wow… thanks you guys.
Yodimimi, if you read on the sidebar, there is a full account of what happened to Steve Cartisano in my blogroll section. It was 15 years ago, so there’s nothing I can do now, but the courts tried to hurt him but he fled the country and somehow escaped major prosecution.
Steve Says:
May 18th, 2005 at 5:09 pmVisit Steve
Alli,
Sometimes words are not needed. Silence can say more than anything. I think you already know that. I sat in silence after reading this and it is only now that I can write. I arrived here through ariadneK who I consider a friend. We also share in living with the same disorder.
The words you speak here can heal more lives than perhaps any of us knows not to mention your own healing. Your writing is beautiful and filled with emotion. You have touched my heart. I was sexually abused a young boy and it took years to reconcile that within myself. Thank you for sharing your story and for having the courage to face those perpetrators of abuse.
Steve
Alli Says:
May 18th, 2005 at 6:09 pmVisit Alli
thank you Steve… thank you so much.