Handcarts are heavy. The weight adds up when you’re dragging 1500 lbs. on two rickety wheels up and down horribly rocky and steep dirt roads. Six of us on each cart, two at a time would take turns pulling up in front or pushing in back and one person on each side making certain nothing fell out.
Inside, there were the counselor’s packs, cast iron dutch ovens, shovels, our packs and heaviest of all…the 50 gallon water jugs. The wheels were wrapped in metal along the one inch wooden edge of them, and as we trudged along, the sound of the metal grinding and turning on the hardened dirt and rocks started to scratch at your eardrums like fingernails on a chalk board.
The counselors walked along behind us or in front of us and for a few days they were eerily easy on us. They weren’t exactly kind to us, but they also didn’t hurt anybody. Nick would catch my eye every once in a while, but he didn’t touch me after the last time he’d taken me into the night. It sounds unbelievable to say, but I think we were all more frightened of their silence than we were when they were raging lunatics.
The path we were on was called Hole-In-The-Rock Road. It started out with a few areas of wash boardy type surfaces but as we got down it a bit further, it began to have huge pot holes and rocks dotting the narrow body of it. The wheels of the handcart would get caught in a rut or hole and the whole group of us would jerk to a stop, sometimes nearly knocking you over. We quickly learned to keep our hands and feet away from the spokes as we went along when a little boy in our group got caught in them one time and nearly ripped his arm off at the shoulder.
Each day lasted about 10-15 miles we gauged, and although we weren’t carrying our packs, we still ended up exhausted at the end of the day. We were using a whole different set of muscles during this leg of our experience. Our shoulders and hands were taking a beating and I started to wonder if I’d come out of this looking like a race horse. My arms were toned and my legs were solid and tan from the sun pounding down on them from morning ‘til night.
A girl who I’d never talked to in the group named Cody started talking to me one day. Her dad was an attorney for Steve Cartisano and she was out here because she was doing the same thing most of the kids out there had been doing…smoking pot, ditching school. She had long blonde hair, big blue eyes and the whitest teeth I’d seen out here. She was bubbly and fun and before I knew it, we were becoming friends.
She had just joined us and when I found out who her dad was, it was suddenly clear why the counselors had retreated into their holes and were acting semi-humane. Cody was a watch dog, and she was going to be my constant side kick from then on…I would make sure of that.
phoenix Says:
October 26th, 2005 at 6:19 pmVisit phoenix
Glad to see you are ok and posting again
joCanadamum Says:
October 26th, 2005 at 9:30 pmVisit joCanadamum
Glad your back hun! glad to see there was some hope for you during that trial in your life!!! hope all is going ok for you and your family
take care
hugs joCanadamum
Lyss Says:
October 26th, 2005 at 9:42 pmVisit Lyss
Glad to see that you’re back!
vik Says:
October 27th, 2005 at 5:30 amVisit vik
glad u see u r back on, im sure your help for the new orleans victims changed alot of ppls lives
ShannonL Says:
October 27th, 2005 at 8:04 amVisit ShannonL
I hate to say I’m happy to see you posting considering the content of what you wrote. I’m glad to see you didn’t shut the site down.
Helen Says:
October 27th, 2005 at 9:23 amVisit Helen
Glad you’re back…I was losing hope
Aaron Mildenstein Says:
October 27th, 2005 at 9:47 amVisit Aaron Mildenstein
A respite, however brief, must have been welcome.
I also welcome you back! Hope all is going well for you!
Kate Says:
October 27th, 2005 at 12:49 pmVisit Kate
So glad you are back!
gbailey Says:
October 27th, 2005 at 2:49 pmVisit gbailey
Welcome Back!
IndyGirl Says:
October 27th, 2005 at 3:22 pmVisit IndyGirl
Glad to see you back!
wanderlust Says:
October 27th, 2005 at 6:04 pmVisit wanderlust
I’ve been following your story from the beginning and I wanted to say a quick hello and I’m happy you’re back to posting
Rae Says:
October 27th, 2005 at 9:22 pmVisit Rae
Welcome back Alli. Great to see you posting again.
pam Says:
October 28th, 2005 at 12:30 amVisit pam
Oh yay, Alli.
I absolutely can’t wait to hear what you and Cody have had happened to you.
sooooo happy you’re back!
~pam
Mike Lyne Says:
October 28th, 2005 at 10:21 amVisit Mike Lyne
It’s good to see you’re posting again. There’s alot of people out there that truly appreciate your writing for what it is. I hope life has been treating you fairly lately. You deserve it.
sqrlprncess2005 Says:
October 28th, 2005 at 2:24 pmVisit sqrlprncess2005
Glad you’re back (redunant I know). I’ve been waiting patiently for your return as I have been reading since the first post of this story, and, although I am sad you had to go through this, I am glad you are able to write about it, either to heal or increase awareness, or both. You’re doing great and I look forward to the rest.
Wendy Says:
October 31st, 2005 at 2:37 amVisit Wendy
Glad to see you posting again.
Nightmare Says:
October 31st, 2005 at 4:01 pmVisit Nightmare
Sweet Jesus I didn’t think you’d ever come back from the newly wedded bliss…..so honeymoon is done with and now you’re back to semi-normal writing and stuff, Glad to see you back by the way.
Julia Booth Says:
November 1st, 2005 at 2:14 amVisit Julia Booth
I was starting to think you weren’t going to write again.
Nikki Says:
November 3rd, 2005 at 2:07 pmVisit Nikki
I think this website was great. Tell your story, get the word out. However. I never thought that i would see on this website a merchandise page. How absurd that this has turned into a money maker. This blog was the best when you were simply trying to spread the word. Now you are marketing your horrible experience, and i just cant believe it. wow. I guess deep down im a bit dissapointed to see this. I was really understanding your situation and thought it was great that you were even writing a book. But instead of investing money into writing the book, you put it into merchandise for sale. a coffee mug for 19 bucks! wow, thats not just to fund the book, that sounds more like to fund your wallet. I thought you had a great thing going here, but now i guess im not sure. i think it just cheapens the whole experience. The donations page was even understandable. But man. Im not trying to judge or start a war here, but i just had to let you know how i felt about this situation. good luck to you and your endevors. I hope you get out of this exactly what you want.
-Nichole
Amy Says:
November 3rd, 2005 at 5:57 pmVisit Amy
I’ve been hooked on this story for several weeks now, I read everything start to finish without stopping - it was interesting, heart felt, and shocking…I couldn’t wait to hear the rest and respected your time away to help the victims of New Orleans. Today when I saw that there was finally a new post, I was tickled…however that soon turned to disappointment and disregard for visiting the site again. I am upset to think that this “horrific glory” you’ve decided to share has become a commodity. I understand the small means by which your site was started - a simple web log - and I really enjoy the idea of an upcoming book, but a merchandise page? Ok so its there to fund your book, well I get that, but you could obviously fund a merchandise department for this chapter of your life. Its sad really - you’ve exploited yourself, took a really good thing that people supported and appreciated and really dimmed the light surrounding it. Good luck to you with your book.
Nikki Says:
November 3rd, 2005 at 6:30 pmVisit Nikki
Thanks for deleting my comment. Did you not want others to see it? nice.. just trying to figure out where you stood and was hoping that you would correct me if i was wrong. Guess not.
Alli Says:
November 5th, 2005 at 10:17 pmVisit Alli
Dear friends with a hankerin’ for some judgin,
I was out of town. Sorry I didn’t approve your comment before you could jump to sweet conclusions about me. I’ll try to be more prompt with my approval of comments just for you next time I take my kids on a well needed trip. Anyway Amy and Nikki, about the merchandise…it has never made money for me. I’ve sold a total of 6 things in the last 10 months…so yeah, I made $14 bucks in profit. Thanks for worrying abbout it. Sorry if you think I’ve “exploited” myself for fourteen dollars…all to help me keep writing during my divorce that nearly broke me. I appreciate your criticism though.
Alli
Cantrix Says:
November 6th, 2005 at 11:24 amVisit Cantrix
Nikki and Amy - you should know that Cafepress (the site with the 63days products) does not require you to purchase stock if you want to have merchandise. Anyone can set up a “store” for free, you don’t have to outlay any money and you only get money if someone buys something. I don’t even know what’s exploitative about selling a few mugs or t-shirts that advertise a site that more people should read. It’s not like Alli is insisting you all buy something or she won’t post any more. Chill.
Alli - thank you for posting again. I appreciate that you’re writing all this while going through such times.
Nikki Says:
November 6th, 2005 at 4:53 pmVisit Nikki
It was never criticism… i apologize for believing so… thats exactly why i posted tho. I wanted to be set straight. I wanted to know what it was all about. Im addicted to your site.. and like i said in my previous post i wasnt trying to judge, just to understand. I appreciate that you responded. I understand needing the family time. But if there’s anomocity now, im sorry for that. I think what you have here is great. Keep it up. But it was just an inquiring post to be honest. I wasnt trying to be a bitch, i was simply trying to understand the merchandise, and what it was all for.
I hope you are doing well, and staying on top, cause thats what everyone in this crazy world is trying to do.
Like i said before, i was just trying to figure out what it was all about.. there are so many people who are not honest about their profits, and whatnot gained from a site like yours. Its hard to see the honesty sometimes. Therefor i posted. I hope you are doing good now. and i hope you and your family had a good time on your trip.
im not sure what else to say, so i will leave it at that.
-nikki
Mike Lyne Says:
November 7th, 2005 at 12:17 amVisit Mike Lyne
The insensitive stupidity of some people fucking amazes me. So here’s a note to everybody out there who wants to be “set straight” on the Alli’s merchandising:
First off, it’s Alli’s site. It’s Alli’s experience. It’s Alli’s personal details that she’s putting out there. NOT YOURS. So it’s entirely up to Alli to do what she wants with that. If what she chooses to do strikes you as wrong, then do us all a favor and press the BACK button on your browser!
2. Maintaining a website has costs associated with it. There’s this niftly little thing called bandwidth. ISP’s tend to charge you for the amount that you use up. In other words, keeping this website up has incurred a cost out-of-pocket to Alli. She has to find a way of covering that somehow. Selling merchendise would be one solution to it. I can gaurantee you that it’s cost her more than $14 to keep this site up… Wanna know another one? Making you sign up and pay to read this stuff. You’ll notice she’s never done anything like that… do the math. It’s free to come here. There’s absolutely zero pressure on you to spend money. So stop complaining and get over it.
3. If that logic isn’t sound enough for you and you still want to form opinions, stop and think before you post. Fact is, the vast majority of people out there have no clue what it’s like to experience even half of what Alli has been through. If she’s able to put up a website that’s succesful then all the more power to her. If she’s able to market that website in an effort to cover the costs and increase awareness of the bullshit that goes on out there, then good for her again.
The point is, unless you truly understand what it’s like to be in her shoes, don’t judge her. And if you’re going to anyways, expect that maybe your assumed opinion won’t make it on here. That’s what moderation is for… if you can’t handle that, try that BACK button again.
Oh, and for anybody who’s reading this and wondering what’s up with me, let me spell it out. I have a ton of respect for Alli and the situations that she’s been through. I have even more respect for her being able to blindly trust the masses of anonymous people out there while she posts her story. I have absolutely zero respect for those who are inconsiderate, arrogantly rude, or who just plain assume they’ve got it all figured out. People need to learn to show kindness and consideration and to treat others how they want to be treated. You’d be amazed at the results.
Before I end my little rant…. Alli: You post this stuff because it helps you come to grips with things, right? Good. Keep doing it. If it ever feels like it’s making things worse, stop posting until you feel comfortable with it. As long as this stuff is helping you emotinally, that’s what counts. All the people out there that read this stuff and leave positive comments and posts are an added bonus. And those shit disturbers out there that talk crap? Fuck em. This is about YOU. That’s all that matters.
Just keep it happy, ok? Concentrate on what matters the most and put the rest on the back-burner. Take care of your new husband and your family. Take care of you. Enjoy life for what it’s worth. That’s the least you can do for yourself.
Peace.
Jill Says:
November 7th, 2005 at 2:37 amVisit Jill
I went on a pioneer trek as a teenage. One of the most fun “backpacking” trips I ever did!
Amy Says:
November 7th, 2005 at 10:30 amVisit Amy
First of all no one ever accused you of making millions off this - I just think its sad that something you seemed so passionate and serious about in earlier posts, something so personal and painful that had to be difficult has now become something we can wear or drink coffee out of. And if its so not a big deal why does your reply seem so defensive - I’ve seen other critical comments on here and never a reply so sarcastic. I commend you for what you’ve done - I know I couldn’t do this, I’ve had traumatic experiences in my life that I could never share with all these strangers, let alone sport on a t-shirt. And Cantrix - I never said anything about the merchandise page, what it cost, or how it was done…the actual items had to come from somewhere or a store couldn’t exist and the idea of you only get money when someone buys something, well that’s normally how a “store” works isn’t it? Its just interesting that to have the book created and paid for, all this other stuff needs to be peddled out. And really, why does everyone NEED to visit this site…its terrible what happened to Alli, I think its horrible, I could never have survived it and it takes grand strength to tell it to strangers but its not like this is an epidemic for today’s kids - so why advertise the site to the masses like this? I didn’t want to start anything with these comments, in fact this isn’t even my sort of thing - these blogs - but the story being told keeps me reading. And yes to me it is exploitave to sell a few mugs or shirts that advertise your pain - it cheapens the struggle and authenticity of the story, but that is just my opinion, you don’t have to agree or even like it. I won’t post again - but will continue to read your story Alli. Best of luck.
ShannonL Says:
November 7th, 2005 at 2:57 pmVisit ShannonL
As I recall, Alli started selling merchandise to finance this website since it costs money to keep up.
Simple. as. that.
Caren Says:
November 7th, 2005 at 11:25 pmVisit Caren
Her response was defensive (and not even THAT defensive) because she was defending herself, as well she should. You implied she was being exploitative, so she explained why she wasn’t. Would you have rather not heard her explanation.
Moving right along…I like this Cody twist - and am glad you have an ally! No way are they going to harass the campers if Cody’s there. You always leave on a very suspenseful note, Ally. I DO want to see this in a book!
Art Vandelay Says:
November 10th, 2005 at 1:10 pmVisit Art Vandelay
Looks like Amy’s got sand in her vagina.
Alan A Says:
November 21st, 2005 at 6:47 pmVisit Alan A
Amy, Unfortunately, this IS an epidemic for kids. These wilderness and tough-love programs are a fast growing, unregulated business that now brings in around a billion dollars a year. It is estimated that approximately 10,000 kids are in them at any given time. Alli’s story is only one of hundreds of stories in which teenagers have been abused in these programs.
lexi Says:
October 7th, 2006 at 4:03 amVisit lexi
she was raped and abused over and over and over and over and over again. god forbid SHE should get anything positive out of it, right? is that what im hearing from nikki and amy? well, thats just disgusting. PETA has t-shirts and the red cross has hats, every cause needs attention and funding. deal with it.
oh and actually amy, this stuff DOES still happen to kids. guess you missed the part about the end institutionalized abuse against children act that was signed into law by congress in 2005. thats a two, a double zero, and a five. yea, that was last year.
Rose Says:
February 4th, 2007 at 2:45 pmVisit Rose
Heres a example okay…I live in Florida okay and we had HURRICANE WILMA okay after HURRICANE WILMA a man was on the side of a road with a van selling I SURVIVED HURRICANE WILMA TEA SHIRTS…after tradgedy ended when I saw that man selling I SURVIVED HURRICANE WILMA TEA SHIRTS I laughed my pants off.Okay for crying out loud I dont think its any secret HELLO HELLO that in this life HELLO HELLO any move we make HELLO HELLO we need money…HELLO HELLO . WHAT EVER WE DO AND CHOOSE TO DO IN THIS LIFE MY FRIEND YOU NEED MONEY .I FIND IT HARD TO BELEIVE THAT THIS IS A SURPRISE TO ANYONE. I CAN ONLY COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT PEOPLE LOVE TO BE HURTFUL AND NASTY THAT ALSO TO ME IS NO SURPRISE.AMEN AND AMEN AGAIN.