Handcarts. Handcarts are wooden boxes, I’d say they’re about 6′ x 6′ in the actual “cart” with about a 2′ depth. The wheels are about 4′ high and they’re wood with wooden spokes that have a bent and hammered on strip of metal that wraps around the entire outside of the wheel. There are only 2 wheels, and the handle in the front accomodates 2 people inside of the bar. Its primitive, to say the least, but its definately appropriate when your captors want you to go down the only road you’ve really seen up ’til now, as slooooooowly as possible.
We’d all talked about how when we saw our first dirt road/path/whatever, how we all would kiss the flattish dirt. The trails we’d hiked on included powdery sand up to our knees, rocks that tipped with the slightest bit of weight, making it difficult to even stand let alone walk AND cowpie filled swampland. Roads = a break.
We piled our gear into the back of the carts with the counselor’s things that were already in there and I noticed there was some cast iron cookwear inside of it. I also noticed huge water bottles, probably 50 gallons or more and a few shovels.
Murdock gathered us all around him and told us that today was the beginning of Handcarts. Handcarts would last 3 weeks, and would take us to the Hole-In-The-Rock which dropped down into Lake Powell.
“Things ain’t gonna be easy, but you’ll git there. We got G.O.R.P. for ya when ya git there, so keep up and you’ll git there just fine. No whinin’, no wailin’ and no cryin’. Now git some sleep, we’re risin’ early!”
We all stood for a moment, not sure if he was gonna say something else, and then we all went to our little areas to set up our blankets. I was certain tomorrow would be good, so I actually hummed as I set up my bed. As soon as the sun had gone down in our little spot, I went off to use the bathroom behind some bushes.
“You didn’t forget about me did ya?” a voice spoke at me from beside a metal cattle fence. I knew the voice and it sent my heart racing. I stepped backward slowly a bit until I was against a tree. Sharp needles from the pine boughs poked through my shirt a bit but I didn’t really even feel it.
“No. I didn’t forget,” I said.
Nick walked over to me and I knew his walk even in the dark. I could smell his soap before he got to me. He came in close and pulled me to him.
“Did ya miss me?”
I closed my eyes and tried to leave the moment as he put his lips on my neck. He breathed in deeply.
“You guys stink…” he said. He still sounded like he enjoyed my dusty scent, and his words didn’t match his actions. “Just you wait til you get to the lake and you can wash up. We’ll do lots of good stuff then.”
He pulled me a bit closer til I could feel him rubbing against my thighs. His hands wandered around under my shirt and I could feel his fingernails digging into my back as he fumbled with my bra strap. My mind started to go blank and before I knew it, it was over and I was on a rock, head resting on an old log fence. I rolled my head to the left and saw a pond, the top of it covered with moss and gook and a bright reflection of the moon was almost too bright for my eyes.
“Get up. Don’t say anything. You know the drill…” and he left. The previous affection was once again gone, and I wasn’t disappointed. I pulled on my pants and shoes and made my way back to camp. Nobody even looked at me when I came in, and nobody even said a thing as I lay in my roll crying a bit. I’d become so accustomed to his attacks before, but the few weeks that he’d left me alone had allowed my scars to heal. This time hurt again. I was back in my cell that had no bars.
As I drifted off, I remembered something he’d said in the middle of it all tonight–
“I’ll be with you every day til you go home…isn’t that nice?”
Elizabeth Says:
August 22nd, 2005 at 4:46 pmVisit Elizabeth
HOW did you manage to endure to the end and to keep your sanity through all this? I have been reading for some time now…I am totally amazed you survived, much less intact enough to now write about it!
Is it really not possible to have at least some of these people prosecuted? They should not be on the face of this planet. I personally believe the death penalty is right for someone who has done as these men did to you…and likely others. Most have more than one victim, right?
Elizabeth, hoping life is doing well for you now…
Mike Lyne Says:
August 22nd, 2005 at 5:05 pmVisit Mike Lyne
So much for happy memories. This “Nick” character is a piece of work. I really don’t understand how people like that can live with themselves…
You’re quite the trooper, Alli. I hope this writing is helping you. You’ve got a hell of alot of courage to keep on going through the memories like this. Keep it up, if it works for you.
Old Horsetail Snake Says:
August 22nd, 2005 at 6:41 pmVisit Old Horsetail Snake
I don’t know how much more of this I can take….
ShannonL Says:
August 22nd, 2005 at 6:59 pmVisit ShannonL
Awe shit goddman. Oh Alli. I’m so so sorry this all happened to you.
Bonnie Says:
August 23rd, 2005 at 8:52 amVisit Bonnie
Alli, can you remind us how far into the 63 days the trip is at this point? Were you able to keep track of days, or not?
Enigma Says:
August 23rd, 2005 at 9:58 amVisit Enigma
pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses all understanding - Kahil Gibran
I wish you the best as you share your experiences and document your life’s journey with all of us.
Come and run with me across
crowded plains and through narrow lanes
over snow-draped mountains and through
the midst of desert winds and find that
when all is done and said (again)
all remains the same except
the passing of the time and changing
of the guard.
Hold a hand metaphysically at least
and cry out to the darkness just to
watch it run
Embrace the day and slide
into a new time
a new space
a new way
Control the instincts to flee
and shape your own destiny
come and run with me now.
Crimson Says:
August 23rd, 2005 at 9:59 amVisit Crimson
I am so sorry that you had to endure so much at such a young age. I do hope Nick gets punished for his actions! It’s hard for me to think of some one like him out in the world. You are so brave for sharing your story with everyone. I feel so bad that you had to go through so much!!
Silly Nessa Says:
August 23rd, 2005 at 2:13 pmVisit Silly Nessa
Hugs to you baby girl! I hope you’re doing okay today
Patti Kling Says:
August 23rd, 2005 at 7:11 pmVisit Patti Kling
Alli,
Thank you for being so open with all of us! Keep up the great writing!
anna Says:
August 23rd, 2005 at 7:23 pmVisit anna
i agree with lyne i dont know how these people are able to do such things to other human being in the first place but even live with them selves afterwards! its just shocking !
Anna!!
Kat Says:
August 23rd, 2005 at 8:22 pmVisit Kat
Unfortunately, these animals (and that’s an insult to animals) just move around and are somehow able to surround themselves with just enough loyal people so as to avoid prosecution. If it looks like a DA is closing in, they simply leave the country. The founders and owners of Challenger went on to found a camp in the South Pacific that was cited as being even worse than those here in the States.
A number of these camps have been shut down. But shows like Brat Camp and organizations like WWASPS keep a sadly positive light on behaviour modification programs. There are groups who work against them, including ISAC (www.isaccorp.org) and the National Youth Rights Association (NYRA, at http://www.youthrights.org).
Sorry to sound like an ad, but I just wanted to get it out there that people are trying to fight against these, and there is some hope of preventing future kids from going through this sort of torture.
Concerned Says:
August 24th, 2005 at 3:13 pmVisit Concerned
“They should not be on the face of this planet. I personally believe the death penalty is right for someone who has done as these men did to you…and likely others.”
If I had info I would make it happen.
I don’t believe such things should be done out of revenge or justice, but out of preventive maintenance for the world. Such people usually only get worse with time.
MJ Says:
August 24th, 2005 at 11:00 pmVisit MJ
Alli,
I’m not one to spend time on blogs. Yours is actually the first I have read. Your story is captivating and you appear to have a gift in writing. From the messages others have left (I’ve read all your entries and read the available comments offered) it appears that you are aiding others to find strength with taking steps to reveal past abuse. I applaud you for this and wish you continued resiliency in providing this strength to others.
I am confused as to the voice you write in. Is this you as a 15 year-old writing this or is this you as a (forgive me if I got it wrong buy I believe you stated somewhere you’re around 32-34) 32 year-old? I realize this is a living literary work, and yet I’m wondering if there is going to be some point where you reveal some of the insights you have come to from your experiences. This, of course, would require you to be all the more vulnerable and exposed (and thus could be exquisitely difficult). A less meaningful example (thus allowing me to not intrude so much) would be where you were in the hotel and utilized room service to a flagrant degree and appeared to want to punish the hell out of your parents to possibly have them hurt like you were.
I believe I have seen you become less defensive and aggressive in your comments back to those posts you’ve allowed in that question or attack the veracity of your story. I believe this suggests that you have experienced growth in the short time you have maintained this site (I also leave room that it depends on what day and how these comments reach you). I anticipate that with my comments I will be vilified by some. I find that I struggle in believing parts of your story. I wonder if you realize my incredulity is on me and not on you to proove it to me?
Something else I’m wondering… I work at a therapeutic wilderness program and, maybe it is my perception in reading the comments and entries, yet I get the sense that the polarized tone is “These programs are ‘ALL BAD’”. The social science literature (yes, there are some methodological problems with the studies focused on this area, yet they are not across-the-board egregious problems) reports quite positive outcomes over the last 10 or more years. Of course someone may disregard this as those in social science continuing to fill their coffers and looking to stick with their cash cow. Yet, there are plenty of independent studies that show the same.
In comparing your experience with what I see each week, I am appalled, sickened, and disgusted how the staff at the program appear to have verbally, mentally, emotionally, and physically treated you and the other students. I attempted to do a law search on the statute of limitations for rape of an adolescent to provide you with the possible information to pursue these sex-offenders. My limited understanding of the law (and I realize I am likely to completely incorrect) is that there is no statute of limitaions for reporting and pursuing litigation against the perpetrator who victimized someone underage. I am, of course, unsure if you have pursued this. Their execrable behavior requires extended prison time. The program I work for is first and foremost therapeutic (most therapists are Ph.D.’s and the staff are highly trained and monitored) and the health of our students is of utmost importance (we monitor their hydration, food intake, and general health multiple times daily). We do hike the students hard and help them to realize the consequences of their behavior yet in a more egalitarian, authoritative, purposeful, and measured manner than what has been described in your entries. If I was to simply take the behaviors you described as to why you were sent to the program, they are very similar to the difficulties with which our students present (thievery, vandalism, drug use, school failure or truancy, oppositionality, defiance of authority, [it is unclear about this yet I would speculate...] high risk sexual behavior, and later on grand-theft auto, etc.). We do sometimes use transporters to meet the students early in the morning in their rooms because otherwise they would never agree to or attend and intervention of this magnitude. Rarely is a student willing to participate of their own free will or without threats of something worse. Many teens today with the difficulties described are treated in the program where I work. Simply because these difficulties are common does not make them “normal” and “healthy”. Entitlement above and beyond food, water, and shelter, is a pervasive mindset with this population and helping them learn appreciation for what they have and that they must adapt to the world, not vice-versa, is somewhat crucial.
I believe we provide an immensely valuable service. I also believe more regulation of programs is/are needed to solidify in every way possible that something like your experience (sexual assault, withholding of food/water/adequate shelter, physical/emotional/mental/sexual abuse, etc.) would not happen again. I’m sure there remains nefarious, debased reprobates out there who perpetrate crimes under the guise of service. I’m sad with you and your parents that they were duped by people of said ilk. I am anxious to find out how it happened that you returned to this baleful and spurious “treatment” program a third time.
My hope is that you continue to post. I did want to chime in with my thoughts and feelings. Thank you for allowing this.
MJ
Alli Says:
August 25th, 2005 at 11:29 amVisit Alli
MJ - If you go to my forums…or watched me on FoxNews, you’d see that I support the programs that are well run and monitored. If you know about the Challenger Program, you’d know that what I say is true. Its documented. Try asking the mother of sweet Michelle Sutton, Cathy Sutton, (who comments on here frequently)who actually had Michelle die right after I left the programs and right before they were shut down for GOOD. I speak the truth, I speak in whatever voice comes out. Some days, I AM a 15 year old girl…others, I’m 32. I’m no professional, this started as a journal and now people read it and expect it to be something other than that. Thank you for your comments, I hope you help many. I hope that I do the same in telling my story too.
Yours –
Alli
Concerned Says:
August 26th, 2005 at 4:31 pmVisit Concerned
Good post, and good response. I must agree that the general attitude of comments on this site is one of disgust for everything that program did. I believe that being deprived of luxuries that you think are necessities is a very healthy experience. I grew up in a very poor family where sometimes we did not have food to eat, and I have been working since I was 12 years old. After growing up like that the rest of the world seems mediocre, and people’s major problems are usually nothing more than minor inconveniences. The fundamentals of such a program seem like a good thing to me. With that said even the slight risk of having something like that happen to your child is not worth what it might accomplish. If I were to ever need that drastic of an interaction for my child it would be with me by their side. I would not expect my child to go through something I could not. I would stress a proactive stance on raising your children over the idea of letting the TV raise them and trying to fix them when they are older. I came from a family of 14, and have 2 of my own, and I have seen that if you raise children in the way they should go they will not depart from it. I never let my children say no to me, and I don’t let them complain about the luxuries they are given. It is much easier to do this when they are young. Usually all that is needed is a slap on the wrist, or a commanding “NO”. If you have not raised your child with a respect for people and the struggle of life by the time they are 10 then they may need a drastic intervention, but ultimately it is the fault of the parent.
I hope that one of the results form this blog is that people learn to trust no one with the well being of their children. Camps are not the only place stuff like this happens. A proactive involvement is not only less painful for the parent and the child, but also very rewarding.
Jennibu Says:
August 30th, 2005 at 6:51 amVisit Jennibu
(sorry this is long..grab a snack)I have to disagree about the camps. I find no usefulness in shocking children and forcing them to submit in this manner and taking them away from everything they know. This does not help them learn to survive in the very environment the parents had placed them in-the same ones they will go back to and be even more unprepared to handle. I can understand a week or two at a camp aimed at boosting self esteem and promotion of community service but not long extended programs states away. Maybe the parents should be shipped off and taught how to deal with these exceptional behaviors? I can imagine that sounds glib but too many parents feel their hands are tied and they are unable to keep control over the family- they blame everyone for their lack of action. It bothers me that they then try to toss the kid on a program miles away from any kind of observation or oversight. It is out of sight out of mind..the parent is not bothered anymore by the child who is a problem now that they don’t fit in the mold or are less than stellar in their choices. A better fit for these kids and the family would be to find appropriate cognitive/respite care in the neighborhoods they live in. Removing them only disassociates them from the real world and accomplishes nothing but reinforcing negative behaviors such as distrust of authority and oppositionalities on anything that would impede on their wishes to escape from what is most likely severe depression or depressive and self destructive behaviors. Children are taught from day one to bottle it up and go with the quo - to be a conformist to a standard that might be impossible to reach if they do not have adequate leaders/teachers for parents. No, one does not have to beat the kid…one has to find out where the kid is in their head and work from there. My opinion here comes from a place where I have worked with children from birth to the age of 18 in a youth related field, have personal experience from being considered “at risk”, and am now in a graduate program studying these behaviors. I am not nor will I ever be a fan of these camps in any situation because the recidivism rate is HUGE on repeat offenders (although real empirical data is not out there in abundance.There is anectodal data that suggests this as well.)when they are taken out of their “home environments” and not given proper counseling. In another personal note, when a child is having a problem, it should be seen as an issue with the entire family and I believe there would be some benefit to including the family in finding a solution instead of placing all the blame on the minor child and giving control to people who might not have that child’s best interests at heart and are not emotionally invested in that child in a positive light and may not understand the true dynamics of the home environment the child comes from. When parents are too willing to fully blame the child, sign away their child’s rights, and literally sentence them to camps like this-I make exceptions for the depserate parents who are conned and emotionally blackmailed into thinkign this is the only way. It is sad and unacceptable that more communities do nothave adequate outreach programs in place or that when they are-parents refuse to take advantage of them for fear of what the neighbors will think. Children deserve better.
Again, please take this as a personal opinion.
Shylah Says:
August 31st, 2005 at 4:08 amVisit Shylah
As someone who experienced one of the “good” wilderness programs - I spent two and a half years in one in Tennessee - I have to agree with Jennibu. I ended up getting out of that program because I finally realized that the only way I’d be able to leave was if I did what they wanted me to do. I followed their rules, I played the role of leader, I called people on rule-breaking. I told them about the progress I’d made emotionally, about how good I felt, how I was finally happy.
It was bullsh*t. I left that program no happier or more “well-adjusted” than I was when I went in. Looking back, more than ten years later, I can honestly say that the only thing I came away from that experience with is an uncanny ability to build blazing fires from wet and/or green wood. I can swing an axe, I can dig a six-foot hole, I can collect firewood. Some might see these as great skills, but they’re not ones your average seventeen-year-old girl needs.
By no means was the program I was in abusive, nor could I even compare it to Alli’s. The only real similarity between the two is that they both took place outdoors. But my “good” program wasn’t any more effective for me than a weekend camping trip would have been, and at least I could have come away from that with a bit of my adolescence.
For the record, I know this comment sounds angry, but I’m really not. I don’t regret my stay there, because regret takes too much time and energy. This was just my long, rambling way of saying that I agree with the commenter before me.
Binsk Says:
August 31st, 2005 at 12:48 pmVisit Binsk
You really do have a great writing style Alli. I feel like I am living it and it hurts.
ariadneK Says:
September 1st, 2005 at 9:36 pmVisit ariadneK
This thing is going on WAY past “63 days” if the carts are supposedly in use for 3 weeks; what gives?
Alli Says:
September 2nd, 2005 at 12:53 pmVisit Alli
63 days was the amount of days the program was supposed to run. If you’ve read it all, you know I went there, escaped, went into solo, then started the program again. 3 weeks of Primitive, 3 weeks of Handcarts and 3 weeks of Powell. I ended up being there a total of over 120 days…then my parents sent me back again 3 months after I got home for a second trip in the fall…
Elizabeth Says:
September 4th, 2005 at 9:29 amVisit Elizabeth
A second trip? With those SAME people? Did you stay that time? I really do not know HOW you survived!! Do you have any contact today with your parents? Your story is beyond what most anyone I have heard of has had to endure! I surely hope your life today is better!! You had more than enough to go through in just the parts you have written here so far!!
Elizabeth
ariadneK Says:
September 5th, 2005 at 2:47 amVisit ariadneK
Ah, thanks for refreshing my memory Alli! I guess I had forgotten about the fact you had to start all over after the runaway attempt.
I apprecite the update.
Truly_Unruly Says:
September 11th, 2005 at 1:17 amVisit Truly_Unruly
So everything so far, is still a part of the first trip? I know they sent you, you escaped, you went back. Is there still ANOTHER trip after this?
Truly_Unruly Says:
September 13th, 2005 at 9:00 amVisit Truly_Unruly
Don’t take this wrong. I don’t think this myself. I just think that if it was me in your shoes, I might would have thought this. That is, did you ever wonder at the time, if they brought out the handcarts because of the song about putting your shoulder to the wheel? It sounds like something they might would have done to try and make you feel bad. Just curious. That place absolutely wrong about everything they did. I don’t know how they justified any of it, especially that man who sexually assaultrf you, I don’t know how mny times. Is he still walking around free? Isn’t there something you can do about him?
Rebecca Says:
September 27th, 2005 at 2:55 pmVisit Rebecca
I know a LOT of people that would “take care” of him for ya!! *wink* No, really not advocating that, but I would be willing to arrange it.
I hate that you or any woman has been raped..
it makes me mad as hell.
I am glad you are here and writing.
God bless you and your perseverance!
ariadneK Says:
October 9th, 2005 at 1:45 amVisit ariadneK
Plan on continuing?
matthew cross Says:
October 21st, 2005 at 5:16 amVisit matthew cross
Iwas there in 88 and again in 90. I went into the a-team, escaaped into town for one not and also was there when 20/20 did their special in 90.
Liz Says:
December 10th, 2005 at 1:55 pmVisit Liz
There’s one thing I can’t figure though… and I only just thought about it right now! All the girls on this hike were above age of puberty, and very young and hormonal. What about… periods? I know they might tend to stop after a while of little nourishment, but that would take some time, unless the girl was underweight to start wtih.
How did you manage your periods (without toilet paper? Without tampons?) and what happened to them during your sojourn? (Sorry to ask all these questions, but I just get more and more morbidly interested.)
I mean, if you didn’t have anything to get you through the first few weeks, you’d be walking around in bloodstains… no good.
And with people like Nick around… what about contraception?
Did any of the girls actually get pregnant, on this or any other trek you heard about?
lexi Says:
October 7th, 2006 at 3:37 amVisit lexi
mj, the fact that you counted “grand theft auto” on the list of reasons a teenager in her position should remain enrolled in a program speaks volumes. last time i checked, stealing (yea, i said STEALING) someones car to escape starvation, rape, and other forms of unspeakable abuse is a perfectly pardonable offense. if she was 20 instead of 15 when she stole the car to escape i think youd be singing a different tune. tell me im wrong.
lexi Says:
October 7th, 2006 at 6:10 amVisit lexi
mj:
im confused by the part of your post that addressed rape.. i read it over and over again and i feel like i should point out something that i would have thought fairly obvious: the majority of rapes go unreported, and for good reason. as someone who works with teenagers, i would expect you would know this. i mean, do you realize how hard it is to prove rape? and what we’re talking about here is a girl that was raped in the desert, miles from a hospital, and in the care of her abusers. no dna, no witnesses. and even if she reported it, then or now, do you know how difficult it is to go through the scrutiny of that kind of trial? compound that by the stigma of once being a “bad kid” and you can easliy see where im going with this. however, if you still need help understanding what im talking about, watch “the accused.” this real event was a gang-rape committed in a public place, by multiple offenders, in front of a crowd of witnesses. and no one was ever convicted of rape. i can sympathize with the fact that the people who committed these crimes should be punished (harshly, in my opinion) but i think your “you-were-raped-so-do-something-about-it” attitude needs some serious reasessment. maybe she doesnt want to feel like the girl who went up against kobe bryant?
i also think you need to reevaluate your code of ethics where it pertains to the treatment of children. while what you describe in your program is perfectly legal under the letter of the law, and i do stress the letter of the law. i think that defining your program in terms of legality instead of whats truly best for children is absolutely appalling. just because something is legal, doesnt mean its also ethical. and it sickens me to think that if the people responsible for molesting, abusing and, in some cases, killing these children went to prison they would have it better than the children in these programs. Prisoners get showers, they get t.v., and phones calls, and visits, and toliets, etc. and the children in YOUR wilderness camp by your own admission get the bare legal minimum.. food and shelter. and its all because they made a few foolish mistakes before they turned 18. how backwards is that?
Rose Says:
October 23rd, 2006 at 10:34 pmVisit Rose
Alison it just dawned on me that when I was held back after my first time in handcarts they sent me back to A team and I met you there Alison I was also on a hike and we were at camp during my second trip to handcarts and we were at camp and it was rocky every where and all of a sudden I saw a big truck fly by and the driver I think was wearing a blue challenger hat I spotted you all.I dont know if that was the escape of you or someone else? Alison please write to me Hun my email is on here I was there the same time as you but I met you when I had to go to A team cause they held me back a extra month oh my God I cant believe this I have pictures Alison not of you but of my stay when I was at lake powell and stuff I can send them to you after I scan it to my computer God Bless you Rose
Rose Says:
October 23rd, 2006 at 10:36 pmVisit Rose
I never got my period out there probally cause of change of envirement shock and stress and well no period for me my body I guess was in shock
Rose Says:
October 23rd, 2006 at 10:38 pmVisit Rose
Matt I also know you If im correct you are from texas One day me and you were sobbing together thinking of our familys and the times we were missing with them me and you were at a tree chopping something with our dull knifes
Rose Says:
October 23rd, 2006 at 10:41 pmVisit Rose
Matt I remember I think they let you see your dad