We woke up on the morning of April 21st to a beautiful sunrise. We gathered our things, and I thought nothing of it. We stuffed a spoonful of dry oats into our mouths and started out for the daily route. In a few hours it began to get hot out on the road, the grinding noise of the metal linked wheels of the handcarts becoming as familiar as traffic becomes to those who live in the big city. We pushed and pulled those things every morning from sun up ’til sun down. It was our life, and it sure as hell beat climbing steep mountains with rocks on your back. I almost had forgotten, but as soon as we sat for our mid morning water break, I realized it was my 16th birthday.
I stared at a juniper tree, begging it to open up and spill presents, daring the rocks to turn into shiny cars…something. I thought immediately of my parents. They had to feel something. They had to miss me, right?
I hadn’t been getting letters from them like the other kids. Everytime somebody would come from town, they’d bring yellow envelopes stuffed with letters and pictures that somebody’s family had sent to them, but lately, I hadn’t recieved anything. I had just assumed that my family had totally forgotten about me.
I looked over to Cody, my partner and best friend by now and leaned in close. She smiled and leaned in and said quietly “what…you got a secret?”
“Yeah…I got a secret,” I said. “Its my birthday. I’m 16. Whooptie freakin do, eh?”
Her eyes got huge, her mouth dropped into an “O” shape and she started to stand.
“Happy Birthday darlin’!” she squealed. She stood and ran over to a new counselor girl and started to tell her something. She shooed Cody off so she went over to the next one, a white haired 20 year old guy named Blaine. I saw him smile and put his hands up in a “whaddya expect me to do” position. She plopped her hands down on her dusty camoflauge pants and came back to me.
“Well I tried! All they said was maybe they’d give you something special tonight, ” she said, looking defeated.
I smiled and said “You have no idea how much you’ve done for me already…I don’t need anymore.”
Her mouth curved into a slight grin and she said “I guess so…whatever” and shrugged her shoulders. She reached into her pack and pulled out her journal. “Ok,” she asked, “what do you want for your birthday breakfast?”
“Huh?” I asked.
“Oh just do this…k? K what do you want?” She repeated.
I listed a few things, french toast, eggs, orange juice and sour dough toast. We went on til she had our entire day of birthday meals all written out and when we were through, she tore the page out and handed it to me.
“Keep it, Allison. When we get out of here, me and you, we’re going up to my family’s cabin and I’m making you all of this…got it?” she asked.
“Got it,” I replied.
That night, it sprinkled…something I’d prayed for. It had rained every single one of my birthdays, me being born in April and all. They also made me a dutch oven pizza. We never again had a birthday meal for another student. Cody was magic, I was sure of that. I would never figure her out, I just knew she loved me back.
Elizabeth Says:
November 10th, 2005 at 9:39 amVisit Elizabeth
You write so well….so descriptive. So did you later learn that your family was writing…and perhaps those counselors just not giving it to you? I hope that was the case!! I cannot imagine a mother not attempting to make some kind of contact!
How fortunate that this friend showed up for you, even at that late date in this experience. You are amazing to have survived this!
Elizabeth
Jeff Says:
November 10th, 2005 at 7:11 pmVisit Jeff
How do you remember what the weather was like on specific dates? This was like 10 or 15 years ago, right?
Mike Lyne Says:
November 10th, 2005 at 10:30 pmVisit Mike Lyne
I’m thinking that Cody is cool. Anybody that manages to find it in them to cheer you up in the middle of all that has to be! Shitty deal about your birthday being spent out there though… did you ever get those meals that she promised? That would be good.
Alli Says:
November 11th, 2005 at 1:02 amVisit Alli
Jeff, this is all taken from my journals…I still have them, I’ve got them all. Not only do I remember the weather, but I can look in my journals and know exactly what I ate that day, how many miles we hiked… Most people who read this know that I get this all from my journals, I talk alot about it in the beginning. Why?
Mike, yeah, we actually spent a long weekend in the snow up in Provo Canyon after we got out. We listened to the Doors and smoked Camels the whole time.
Mike Lyne Says:
November 11th, 2005 at 1:29 amVisit Mike Lyne
Heh… Jim Morrison and Camels… now there’s a mix!
Cool deal.
Alli Says:
November 11th, 2005 at 1:31 amVisit Alli
We also thought we heard sasquatch in the forest…scared the living daylights out of us. Good times indeed;)
Mike Lyne Says:
November 11th, 2005 at 1:39 amVisit Mike Lyne
When you’re writing, do you find it hard to stick to what you have written in your journals?
I mean, it seems like you’re really good at just staying with the facts of what happened, and then maybe putting in some details to flesh it out and give us a better picture… but you never really go into what your thoughts were at the time, or even after the fact.
Does it take alot of effort for you to avoid that or does it just happen that way?
Alli Says:
November 11th, 2005 at 3:30 amVisit Alli
Honestly, its like…I know I’m only writing a brief synopsis of what happened here. I’m telling it in small detail because its how I can relive it…one tiny memory at a time, you know? It is difficult lots of the time to avoid really “delving deeply” into the emotional memories. Its a weird place to be, in your own head.
Nightmare Says:
November 11th, 2005 at 9:03 amVisit Nightmare
Allie Girl,
I love reading your stories, I wish there was something I could do to remove the pain and fear.
Alli Says:
November 11th, 2005 at 11:28 amVisit Alli
You’ve always just been here for the whole thing and even before I started writing this, Nightmare buddy. Thats more than enough to help, sweetneck
Mike Lyne Says:
November 11th, 2005 at 12:41 pmVisit Mike Lyne
I understand what you’re saying. I guess it’s a good thing that you still have your journals then. Far better to be able to read what’s written and concentrate on that than to have to rely entirely on your memories of what happened. Your journals must give you something to focus on, you know?
I suppose you’ll have to confront alot of the harder memories more fully when you start putting it down on paper again for your book. I respect your courage.
Wendy Says:
November 12th, 2005 at 11:25 pmVisit Wendy
Alli, I’m sorry you had to go through this. But, since you did, I’m glad that you met up with Cody. She sounds really cool.
Maqqy Says:
November 13th, 2005 at 12:01 amVisit Maqqy
I’ve been reading your stuff for quite awhile now. I’ve never commented, because most of the time I can never think of anything to say. What you’ve gone through is simply undescribable. How you didn’t turn into a homocidal maniac after all this, I’ll never understand. I know I would have. But I finally found something I can relate to with you.
I was born April 16th. And it always used to rain on my birthday too. It hasn’t the past few years, and I find I miss it. God bless you, child. I hope writing this out will help you to put it behind you.
Lionise Says:
November 13th, 2005 at 4:29 amVisit Lionise
Here’s an article about “STRAIGHT, Inc” teen behavior camps…
Ambassador de Sade
Bush rewarded one of his loyalists with the ambassadorship to Italy — despite his past as the founder of an cult-like teen rehab clinic.
There you have it, presidential endorsement of teen torturers.
Genlisae Says:
November 14th, 2005 at 4:22 amVisit Genlisae
Thank you.
Kate
f-i-n Says:
November 20th, 2005 at 11:24 amVisit f-i-n
I love the part about wishing for rain on your birthday. I do the same!
Shiny Says:
July 10th, 2006 at 8:05 amVisit Shiny
I just discovered this blog and am amazed. Thank you for sharing your story — it’s important that it’s shared with the community at large so parents think twice before opting for a program like this one where they don’t know the half of what’s going on.
I don’t know why this one trivial fact seems to ring in my mind, but I, too, was born on April 21! Two years earlier than you were, in fact. I have my own memories of April 21, 1990 — turning 18 in a country thousands of miles away from home.
I’m still reading everything. Thanks again for sharing…
– S
Rose Says:
February 4th, 2007 at 1:34 pmVisit Rose
I am now reading your storey for a second time….its amazing how many things you can miss by only reading it once…especially discovering all this and then reading this all in the moment ..I discovered it on computer.I could not read it fast enough…so now im in focus mode in my brain to reread…Allison what hurts my heart is the fact that the program itself was abusive enough…and to think that not only did you have to be in this program…while in this program you had abuse happen to you on top of (just the program itself)