Four kids sat on a log in the dark, away from the rest of us. Their eyes little black glittering holes that held sadness and hunger in their gaze. I didn’t want the deer. I didn’t want to eat in front of them.
“Hahaha, look at those kids. HEY KIDS! Ya hungry yet? Mmmmmmmmmm, look at this. Its hot and its salty. Oh and these potatoes…aren’t they good?” Murdock said, looking over at the four. He chewed like a goat.
I slowly stirred my potatoes around and poked at the hunk of deer flesh that sat on my plate. I wasn’t even hungry anymore. I had a paper plate full of food and the kids who tried and tried their hardest to get a fire but hadn’t succeeded were eating raw oats and rice with half a bouillion cube in it. That was their reward for sweating and crying and trying for 12 hours. Half of a damn bouillion cube.
The fire was popping up huge chunks of red hot wood into the air because they had brought in some pre-cut wood…pine. Everyone knows pine pops in the fire. A coal jumped gracefully out of the fire and onto my boot and I carefully kicked it onto the dirt and squashed it out. I could see the other students who were eating their food trying not to make eye contact with the other kids who were sitting in the dark with their cans of rice. One of the 4 kids was a girl…she was crying.
“What are YOU cryin’ at? Huh?” Murdock asked. “Listen, you coulda ate some of this meat here if you got yerself a fire…but ya didn’t. Don’t let me hear another whine come out of yer face or yer hikin with a rock tomorrow. Got it? Now shut yer can!”
He laughed and smacked another hysterically laughing counselor on the back. They were really whoopin it up tonight, and nobody else seemed to find it funny.
After we all picked through what we could stomach, Murdock stood up and said “Welp, I gotta little secret for ya kids. You know that deer we ate tonight? Guess how we got it! C’mon…guess!” he said, daring someone to speak first. Nobody moved. Nobody had any idea what we were supposed to say.
“Fine then, I’ll tell ya. You see Wallwalker over there?” He pointed to a bearded older man standing by a tree. “He hit it with his truck. Yep. Ya heard me. Now, we don’t like to waste food around here, so he brought it in for ya. So there ya have it, all that work, and yer eatin’ road kill.”
He laughed again and sputtered and coughed til he was blue in the face. He sat back down and still giggling said “Mighty tasty though, wasn’t it? Yep, I think I’ll have me s’more.”
We looked back and forth at eachother, and I could feel a greasy uneasy sensation moving around in my body. It felt almost like I had baby snakes crawling around in my belly. I knew it wouldn’t be long before everything I’d eaten was to come out one end or another. This would be a long night.
After cleaning up the plates by throwing them in the fire, we all set out in the dark to our beds. My arms ached like hell, and I could barely pull my jacket off they were so sore. I balled up my fleece pullover and layed down on it. The other students did the same and as I lay there, I looked up into the stars. Silvery points of light filled my vision and I began to count them. I heard counselors rustling around in their area and looked over to see them talking to the small young boy. One of the counselors pushed him so hard in the chest he sat down on the ground accidentally. Then they pulled him back up and yelled at him for “sittin down an’ being so damn lazy!”
I was sick, and not only from the food… None of these kids would ever be the same again.
Kate Says:
May 11th, 2005 at 6:15 amVisit Kate
Jesus Christ…so by mentioning he hit your dinner with a truck, that for me, would hve spoiled my appetite right then and there! (Yes I am aware deer do not grow on trees, but still!) So I think, if I had been in your shoes, he would have ruined my “reward” right then and there, and probably succeeded in making no one happy that night. What a disgusting excuse for a human this guy is.
Redd Says:
May 11th, 2005 at 7:50 amVisit Redd
God willing, all of these “counselors” have gotten their come-uppance. Do you know what happened to any of them?
Nightmare Says:
May 11th, 2005 at 7:57 amVisit Nightmare
the more I read the angrier I get.
jes Says:
May 11th, 2005 at 9:09 amVisit jes
last night i prayed for you, and for these counselors. i prayed that God would smite them.
Seriously. i’m anxious to know the rest of the story.
Crimson Says:
May 11th, 2005 at 11:41 amVisit Crimson
My goodness. I hope that what goes around comes around and these counselors get what they deserve.
I cannot believe how cruel they were to all of you.
This just seems to be such a stuggle for all of you.
Murdock makes me sick to my stomach! He is vile!!
StoneyGrl Says:
May 11th, 2005 at 12:09 pmVisit StoneyGrl
I was introduced to your site yesterday (5/10/05), and I read entry after entry for 2 hours …
My heart was racing, my stomach turning, and I cryed.
I can not imagine surviving what you went thru Alli …
I wonder if you have anything to do with your parents ? Lord knows I wouldn’t !!!!
I wish you all the best in life … and I’m so sorry that you had to go thru this.
Much Love …
Rebecca Pritchard Says:
May 11th, 2005 at 12:30 pmVisit Rebecca Pritchard
Dear Allie,
I am so sorry for all you had to go through. I hope and pray that these bastard “counselors” will get their own personal hell.
I hope that writing about your experience is healing for you.
I also hope that after reading this, no self respecting parent will ever put their child thru hell like this. I know I never will.
I wish you peace, and joy.
Caren Says:
May 11th, 2005 at 1:17 pmVisit Caren
Ugh.
Alli Says:
May 11th, 2005 at 2:31 pmVisit Alli
I know Caren baby…I know.
Tnak you Rebecca…and Stoneygirl.
queeniefosho Says:
May 11th, 2005 at 2:49 pmVisit queeniefosho
i started reading your website today and couldn’t quit reading until i got to the last entry. i am sitting at my desk in tears over what you had to go through. when i was in high school there were a couple of guys i knew that got sent to places in utah (maybe the same, i don’t know). one day they just weren’t at school anymore.
kentuckygal Says:
May 11th, 2005 at 4:12 pmVisit kentuckygal
Ali~
I couldn’t stop reading until I got to the end. I can’t believe this stuff actually happend to you, yet I know you are telling the truth, and it’s very very sad!! I will wait for you new entry everyday and I voted for you
I hope that today you are a very strong woman and are able to help others with your story.
Dianna Says:
May 11th, 2005 at 6:01 pmVisit Dianna
Man that murdock is just a sick jerk. UGH.
Big hugs alli
Dianna
Diane aka 2OLD2BE Says:
May 11th, 2005 at 6:12 pmVisit Diane aka 2OLD2BE
I found out about this site on the MTV message boards. You’ve become a bit of a star there! I see that some of the members from MTV have posted here, and I am gladly joining them.
I too voted for you. I was truly affected by your words, and feel you deserve whatever good can be obtained through sharing your heartwrenching story. I wish you the very best of luck in all you do, and sincerely hope you win the contest.
God willing your words will help to heal not only yourself, but others as well. Good luck, and please know that you are making a difference. God bless!
Diane, Wisconsin
Jstar Says:
May 11th, 2005 at 8:26 pmVisit Jstar
thank you again for another great entry.
That last line stuck. I think about that all the time. Not just about your situation, but of my own too. I weep for those who have had to endure these types of programs. I weep for those who have desperate parents who reach for anything they can find, just to feel that little piece of relief. I know how powerful that can be, but god there has to be another way.
Marisa aka 5_5_Brwn_Eyes Says:
May 11th, 2005 at 9:19 pmVisit Marisa aka 5_5_Brwn_Eyes
Yes I see a lot of people from the message board here. Kentuckygal told us about your blog and a bunch of us have been reading it all day. It is so horrible that a place like this actually exists. I’ll be patiently waiting for your next entries to see how this all ends. I couldn’t imagine having to go through something like that.
the queen Says:
May 11th, 2005 at 9:49 pmVisit the queen
I love that you got a new lay out for this, the story you are telling is powerful and you are effecting so many lives now. You are still amazing me with your strength and the way you manage to put it all into words so beautifully. Girl I got love for ya!
Keep telling, we will all keep reading:)
Mbl1991Leasha Says:
May 12th, 2005 at 3:48 amVisit Mbl1991Leasha
I also heard about your story on the MTV message board, and I have been up all night reading it. I really don’t know what to say, cuz what you went through was so ridiculous.
kraptastic Says:
May 12th, 2005 at 12:11 pmVisit kraptastic
I havent gotten any work done since i been reading this. I cant believe you actually had to go through this and im really sorry it happened to you. Did u ever find out about what happened to that girl Stephanie? Are u and Natalie still friends? I cant believe that they let stuff like this go on in these boot camps! Thank u so much for sharing your experiences.
Rebecca aka aerosmithgrrl Says:
May 12th, 2005 at 12:46 pmVisit Rebecca aka aerosmithgrrl
Your story has been on my mind since I started reading it on Tuesday. How society could let this go on is beyond me, could people not tell by your physical appearance that something was wrong there. Uh, it makes me so mad knowing that creep Steve Cartisano isn’t behind bars right now. I’m lookin forward to reading more.
pamela a/k/a Pooma9OO Says:
May 12th, 2005 at 1:12 pmVisit pamela a/k/a Pooma9OO
I started this story last night and haven’t been able to take my eyes off of it today. I’m a slow reader, so this is pretty fast for me. This is a very touching story and I’m sure you are a better person because of it.
I voted for you.
Robin Says:
May 12th, 2005 at 1:26 pmVisit Robin
I discovered you yesterday and read until I couldn’t stomach anymore. I just finished all the installments. I think the only way I was able to come back today is to convince myself that this never really happened. Then I googled Cartisano.
I’m.so.sorry.
Alli Says:
May 12th, 2005 at 2:07 pmVisit Alli
Its ok you guys…I’m alive and happy…not everyone made it out.
Jennifer Says:
May 12th, 2005 at 2:45 pmVisit Jennifer
Alli,
I have read your entire blog and I am so stunned and sickened that this happened to you. I hope that you have found peace and maybe this is a way to let some of the pain go. My heart goes out to you. You are an amazing person. Thank you for sharing your story. Part of me wants to know more, but the other part is just wishing it was not true. I do believe you.
As I read it, I can imagain each sceen that you tell so vividly. All I can say is I am so sorry!
I voted for you! It is no contest! This is the best Blog site!
Christine Says:
May 12th, 2005 at 3:05 pmVisit Christine
It must be very painful to keep writing but please don’t stop. I wonder if the program started out with good intentions and hired a bunch of animals or did a bunch of animals try to make a buck. Bastards.
Kamea_8 Says:
May 12th, 2005 at 11:23 pmVisit Kamea_8
This is so sad, I’m sorry you had to go through this. I think back to 1990, and I was in pre-K, going about my life, while you were going through hell. Again, I’m so sorry, I hope they all got what they deserved.
kraptastic Says:
May 13th, 2005 at 1:58 pmVisit kraptastic
Oops sorry Ali, i finally read all of it. That girl natalie sucked! I wanna know what those A-hole camp counselors are doing now? Do you talk to your parents? I would hate them forever!
Deb aka bobogrl Says:
May 13th, 2005 at 2:32 pmVisit Deb aka bobogrl
Hey Ali, I’m glad to have found your site as well, as I dont normally read blogs.
You have a wonderful talent for writing… it makes me feel as I were there with you, experiencing it for myself.
I find it ironic that religious zealouts resort to such measures to “exorcise” or remove any bad behaviors. I realize most did not realize how drastic the programs were/are, but still, am glad you are shedding light on such a mentality that still allows abuse, especially on young people.
I’m anxiously awaiting the rest of your story and think these would make a great addition to a life long novel when you are older.
Jazzy Be Says:
May 15th, 2005 at 5:04 pmVisit Jazzy Be
Krap- Her parents may have thought they were doing what was best for her. Maybe they should have researched it better, but we have to keep in mind that “his” camps were put on a pedestal back then.
Samantha Says:
May 15th, 2005 at 6:22 pmVisit Samantha
I stumbled upon your story, and have not been able to stop reading it. I admire you for your courage and strength. I pray that God will be with you.
anna Says:
May 25th, 2005 at 2:15 amVisit anna
what did the young boy do to be sent there? did you ever find out?
Alli Says:
May 25th, 2005 at 9:30 amVisit Alli
nope, we really weren’t allowed to discuss this stuff with eachother.
Aubrey Says:
June 13th, 2005 at 3:06 pmVisit Aubrey
Do your parents know? Have they appologised for the hell they put you threw?
My mom didn’t listen to me when I told her about what my dad was doing..
Do they know? Have they at leasted appologised?
Rose Says:
October 24th, 2006 at 12:24 amVisit Rose
Hi again Allison Its me Rose I remember all of a sudden we all had to gather around a sheep and it was still alive we had to watch one of counclers put a something like a huge ice pick through its neck and it died I remember the face of the sheep till this day it had such a cute face I was sick to my stomach and my heart when I had to witness this not only that but then I had to takes its intestines out of the sheep and stuff it and made sausage with its intestines and then we had to cut the raw meat in pieces to be cooked on fire the whole day I was sitting there trying to get a bow drill but I didnt have correct spindle I needed I had my fire board and bow and string from my back back sleeping bag and as you know we only had one chance to collect spindles off the correct plant we were able to get them from and Im sure we were only around it 2 through the whole program anyways I was doomed when it came to me getting a fire with not the right material so all day I was pretending to get one but I knew I wasnt going to be able to umm but I still had to do the dirty work of the sheep kill I think I remember eating a carrot they gave me but I dont think anything else yes we had to watch and listen to the others who were able to get fire to be able to join the feast umm but I do remember after the day was over and we had to go to our laid out sleeping bags the counclers threw someones belongings over the mountain we were very high up devastated me and I remember a guy joined us a few day late at one point and they beat the pants off of him I felt so bad for him Dear God.