63 Days

M&M’s taste like heaven when you’re looking at a bag of raw rice and oats. The candy shell peels off in tiny chips that hurt your jaw they’re so sweet. Chocolate is like heroin for a starving teenager, and I was the happiest damn junkie in the desert at that moment. I’d separated them into colors and piles behind the big rock. I looked around me suspiciously, knowing full well that the counselors might be watching my every move. I felt like a squirrel, hiding its summer and fall gatherings, preparing for the winter and cold that would leave the supply of goods scarce.

Once the wrapper was open, I went to the fire and burned it. The brown paper curling in the smoke and I was immediately paranoid that Murdock and the other people who were watching me would see a difference in the color of the smoke, slight as it might have been. Paranoia was becoming the emotion of the day, and I held my gaze as to appear as calm as possible. In reality, I was in a pure panic over this…this stupid wrapper.

I sauntered casually over to the place where I’d stored my M&M’s and picked them up and put them in my pocket. I’d have to find a better place where they couldn’t see me.

A cool breeze swept over my face and I turned my eyes up to the sky. The rain clouds were still hovering over me, holding the sun captive in a misty grey cell, a few rays of light occasionally escaping, striking my shoulders in warm embrace. Its solitude and mine mingling in the brief moments of warmth that the clouds would allow.

My journal sat under my blanket, and I sat down to write in it.

Dear Journal, God, whomever,

Today I almost fell apart. You sent me some gifts, so, thank you. I’ll be extra good if you send me more gifts like that. 61 days and a wake up.

Allison

I layed back on the bedroll that was a bit damp from the rain that had blown into where the over hang was covering my sleeping area. It was cool to my skin, the sand mixing with the wool blanket. The roughness pulling at the tiny hairs on my arms. I thought about how the men out here had touched me. I remembered how they had smelled when they were on top of me, how their skin felt against mine, sticky and rough, dirt between us rubbing me raw.

If I could just distract myself with tiny pains like the one the sand was causing on my arms right now, I might be able to block this newest violation out of my head. It wasn’t the worst violation by far, but I was sure it was just the beginning of a new set.

A bird flew to the dead tree and perched on the top. Its head jerked around, observing my surroundings, taking them all in. Suddenly it hopped to the ground next to my bedroll. I held still, waiting to see its next move. Perhaps it didn’t see me.

It chirped. Loud, just once. It looked me right in the face. It chirped again. It was talking to me.

“Hi” I said to it. “So, you gonna be my guardian or what?”

It looked around my area again then let out a tiny series of throaty chirps, then hopped over to the woodpile and sat down. It was going to use it as a nesting area, a shelter from the rain.

“Ok, so you can stay if you watch out for me…deal?” I asked it.

It didn’t reply, but it shut its eyes as its head fell still. I layed my head down again and looked at the sun as it was setting, still fighting to come through the clouds in heavy yellow and white beams. This was a gift from God, this bird, and I felt secure enough to close my eyes and slip into sleep.

Across the valley, 2 men were watching me with binoculars. I knew this because very soon, they’d mention the bird, mention the candy I had. My bird friend and I were in the eye of the storm, and while we slept, a dirty blue eye peered through the sight of a rifle, moving back and forth between our heads.