63 Days

“So, what the heck am I going to do now?” I asked myself, outloud. The camp was a pretty good sized area, perhaps the size of a basketball court, but there was a 20 foot high wall of red rock that came around 3/4 of the place, kind of in a horseshoe shape. The big rock was maybe about as big as a Volkswagen Bug and it sat almost directly in the middle of the sandy inlet that would be my home for the next week. I climbed, barefoot to the top of it and stood up. Looking out through the opening that Murdock had just driven through, I could see Boulder Mountain in the background, covered in snow.

The desert can be very beautiful sometimes, but today, it was just dead. In a way, I was glad to be on my own, away from Natalie and the rest of the students. I could go to the bathroom with nobody watching, I could talk, I could write, I could sing. Singing was something that I normally did most of my time. I’d sing in the shower, the car, in my room. My dad used to say that it was when I’d sing that he’d remember who I was inside…his little girl.

The rock was certainly a big enough space to sit on, so I went and got my journal and climbed back up to the top and sat down. It wasn’t fantastically sanitized like I’d have preferred, its cracks and crevices being stuffed with sand and dirt and who knows whatelse, but I sat nevertheless. The pen had been stuffed into the rings at the top of the green steno pad I was to use, and I pulled it out and opened to the first page.

Today I flew back to Challenger. The plane ride was bumpy, but the ground looked beautiful. Natalie sat behind me and I so bad wanted to turn around and hit her in her face but I didn’t because she was in hand cuffs and that wouldn’t have been a fair fight. Yeah, what if I’d have made her go nuts and she flung around and crap and then the pilot would crash. OK, yeah, it was a good idea not to hit her then.

There isn’t anything to do out here. I’m watching this little bird hop around and I wonder if he’ll stay here while I’m here. That would be awesome ‘cuz I don’t have anybody out here to talk to. Maybe I’ll make up a really good song and then I’ll be famous when I get out of here. I’m so hungry already, just cuz I know there isn’t gonna be any food for a while. I wish I had 40 thousand of those big pink frosted sugar cookies they sell at the gas station.

Dear Heavenly Father, please send me 40 thousand big pink cookies with sprinkles on them, and also, if you wouldn’t mind, please let me make it out of here alive. I’ll be good, I promise I won’t ditch school again.

Love,

Allison

I had invented a system of codery since the counselors would read your journals every night and tear out the pages that gave any details about the place away. They said it was “negative” and that we shouldn’t “dwell” on those kinds of things. I devised an incredibly cryptic and advanced system of showing what had happened to me that day by putting a smiley face on the days where I had been left alone and a frowny face on the days I’d been violated. Since Murdock had only touched himself really that day, I put a smiley face because he hadn’t taken anything out of his pants.

The nights alone here would be welcome, and the thought of it right then sounded so fantastic, I went and made my bed up. I layed out the pancho and placed the blanket on top of that. I pulled it over to where I thought I’d get the best view of the valley and the stars, and I layed down. Soon, I was asleep.

I was dreaming about watching tv at home. My mom was in the other room, teaching music lessons and my dad was still at work. I could hear a crunching sound behind me, but there was no one there. I stood up to investigate and as I came around the corner of the big chair in the back of the room, I could see a little foot sticking out behind it. Peering over the top, I saw my little brother who was about 9 then, eating fistfulls of Doritos. He was cramming them in his mouth so fast I thought for sure he’d choke, and when he saw me he jumped.

“Don’t tell mom. Don’t tell her, I just wanted some chips! Please don’t tell, k?” He said, looking up at me. He was wearing his standard daily uniform of white underwear with spiderman or some other super hero on them and no shirt and no shoes. We liked to call him “Mowgli” like the kid in the jungle book. He’d even go outside in his underwear, even in front of all the kids who lived in our cul-de-sac. They thought it was funny, and we all thought he was crazy.

I reached down into the bag and pulled out a handful of chips, and put one in my mouth. It was wonderful! It tasted so good. I could taste the saltiness of the cheese powder that covered it and savored every bite. Suddenly, I realized something was wrong. It was bitter. Bitter and sharp, sharper than a corn chip should have been.

I woke up suddenly and the first thing I noticed was that it had gotten dark during my nap. In my mouth was a huge cottonwood tree leaf. I had put it in there while I was sleeping! Spitting it out onto the ground, I felt the dream leave me, floating off…losing precious details as it did. I could still taste the chips in my mouth and I looked around for my water bottle.

I pulled a huge swig of cool water down into my throat and looked up into the night. Stars were beginning to peer out from the blanket of dark blue that was swallowing up the sky. The sun had just gone down and to the west I could see a sliver of light over the top of the Kaiparowitz Plateau that was melting gradually from bright yellow and orange into the deep blue that would be my nighttime host this evening.

The stars were my guardians, and I asked them to keep watch over me tonight. I was alone in the wilderness and who knows what could be out there lurking. I looked over to my right and saw just outside the entrance to my little inlet the dead juniper tree that I’d seen in the bright daytime sky when we’d gotten to this place. Its dry branches reached into the sky and it looked upward, as if praying.

I yawned a bit and snuggled down under the itchy wool blanket they’d issued me. I had a feeling the night would be long. I glanced once more to the tree and asked it out loud if it would protect me. I asked it to watch over me, to keep the coyotes and snakes away…to keep the predators of the desert away. Last, inside my head, I asked it to keep the men away, please, just keep the men away. Closing my eyes, I felt its presence. It knew it would do all it could for me…it was just a tree after all.