Sleep came quickly. I slept sitting up, my head resting on the window, pillow on my lap. I was holding onto it tightly when I woke up, gripping it with white hands. Nobody else was in the car. I glanced out the window and saw the 3 other girls standing in the lake, kicking water at eachother, the wind tearing at their hair at 30 mph or more. They looked so calm…the wind making their hair flow sideways, pointing to the hills surrounding us. Their tshirts flapped violently and I could hear them being shaken by the wind in my head. The inside of the car was silent. All I could hear was my heartbeat. Eddie appeared from over the top of a hill, carrying with him a plastic grocery bag. As he approached, I noticed that my stomach was feeling a bit better.
He approached the car, making eye contact with me only when he went to open the door. He got in and sat down, setting the bag next to me. I could see a few familiar items inside…Poptarts, cigarettes, Doritos. I looked back out the window in silence, my legs still pulled up against my chest, pillow in between.
“You know, you can come outside…” he said, touching my arm. I jerked back.
“They’ll see me.” I whispered. “I’m not going back there. There are men there, snakes, they’re looking for me. I feel it. They’re looking for me…” I felt my heart literally do a strange arrhythmic dance in my chest. I was looking around, waiting for someone to come out from behind a bush. I had the sick feeling that I should hide in this car, and to hide for a long time.
“C’mon, get out of the car” he said, taking my hand and pulling me to my feet. I scooted across the seat and put my feet onto the ground. Suddenly the wind breathed into me and I felt energized. I looked over at the water and left my slippers right there by the car. The rocks were sharp on my feet but I didn’t care. I walked to the edge of the water and looked into it. I saw the rocky bottom, clear water reflecting a wavy version of me. I almost didn’t recognize myself. My face had no expression.
The water was cold and I didn’t even notice. I walked further out until I was up to my shins in it. My pants were soaked but I didn’t care. My brain was swirling and all I could think about was the present. I wasn’t fighting for survival right then, I wasn’t fighting for freedom. I didn’t have to think about anything except the water that was kissing my skin.
I stayed there, kicking around, looking at the water, listening to the whispers that came from St. Thomas, the town that was buried underneath the lake when they built the dam. Even as a child I would think about how they flooded that town and how I hoped they made sure everyone was out before they did. I wished I could swim down to the houses buried under the water and hide under the rusted metal bed springs that used to hold mattresses for the people who lived there. I’d peek up through the holes in the roof, watching for the men who were looking for me. The fish would serve as protectors. I would sit in the cool until they stopped, until they thought I’d died.
Suddenly, it was sunset and I was ready to go back to the car and eat something. The rest of them had left me alone all day. They were smoking cigarettes and playing games with rocks and tin cans they found sitting around the beach. I went back to the car and got in. I popped the glove compartment open and pulled out a business card. The name on it made me gasp. This wasn’t happening. I could hardly breathe as I closed my eyes, then opened them again to make sure I’d read correctly. In the fading light of the sunset, I read again. I had made no mistake.